This issue of the Tucson Comic News is dedicated to the memory of my brother-in-law, Brett Lagemann, as sweet a guy as you'd ever want to know. Brett is survived by (among others) his beloved cat Elmo, whose name can be found henceforth in the staff box below. Fittingly, donations in Brett's memory (whether you knew him or not) can be made c/o the Humane Society of Tucson, 3450 N. Kelvin Blvd. Tucson AZ 85716.Accordingly, this month I have little about which to rant, other than the awesome unfairness of mortality, which I believe I'll save for another time. But a week or so ago, I got a phone call from a guy named Frosty, wondering why I don't publish a letters column. I told him it's because I rarely get any letters. So he volunteered to write one up and maybe get a discussion going.
As a lifelong wacko leftist, I don't necessarilly agree with everything in Frosty's letter (below), though longtime readers know I'm no big fan of the Clintons. And normally I would refute those points on which I differ, with as much good humor as possible (see my Rants of 9/95, 3/97 and 5/99). But seeing as I'm a bit distracted this month, maybe one of you would like to take a stab at it.
Or perhaps you'd like to comment on some other aspect of the paper, whether it's the cartoons or one of the columns (all of which will return in next month's big back-to-school issue, due August 20th). And remember, hate mail and crank calls are encouraged, as always, provided you have the guts to provide a return address or phone number. But keep those cards and letters coming in (and keep them relatively brief and please stay away from long stretches of ALL CAPITAL LETTERS). And maybe we can start up a letters column in an issue or two. Now, Frosty:
Have you noticed that virtually the only people still defending Clinton are those who are being paid to, like James Carville, Sandy Berger, the cabinet lapdogs such as Albright, Reno, Cohen and Bruce Ba-ba-ba-babbitt. And, of course, the sycophantic Network News people. To those ordinary folks still defending him and not being paid, I say he owes you, big time. You are being screwed. I suggest that you apply for compensation (after all, this Liberal gang will probably agree that you've got it coming).
Now, they are not going to give you money without you swearing out an oath of loyalty, so stipulate that you really are hopelessly amenable to anything a Liberal tells you. Cross your heart and hope to die if you ever stray from the party line, or cease to spout the following idiotic mantras:
Billy Bubba feels your pain.
War will be less likely with China if they have the same nuclear technology that we have, thus the world will be safer.
The way to save Social Security is to invest the surplus in bombs to drop on some little far-away country whose policy is none of our business.
Criminals don't have enough rights. Prosecutors have it too easy.
Irresponsible people should not be held accountable for the damage that they do. It's the fault of an uncaring society.
Hillary the carpetbagger should be senator from any state she chooses, whether or not she's actually been in that state. Her qualification for senator is that she's part of the Bubba bunch, and her wisdom is demonstrated by her ability to put on a baseball cap. Hillary and Billy Bubba have a Òdeep and abiding commitment to one another" as described to Dan Rather. Presumably Bill's commitment to all the other bimbos is only temporary.
Property owners don't pay enough in taxes to fulfill all of the desires of non-property owners through various social programs. This is especially true way out there in Pima County Arizona.
ÐÒFrosty" Gray
Okay, that's Frosty's guest commentary, presented to you because I'm too damn busy to write a column this month, and besides, he means well. Agree or disagree, it's your turn to get on the soapbox and do a little ranting yourself. And don't forget to send in those Weirdest of Tucson ballots, too. See ya next month!