PREVENTING DIVORCE BEFORE MARRIAGE
(Guidelines in Dating)
Divorce is prevalent in our permissive society. For example, in 1993 the divorce rate was 51% of all marriages that
year (1995 Information Please Almanac, p. 836). Many today go into marriage not expecting it to last. They say, "I do," until they think they can do better.
However, divorce is not part of God's ideal for people's marriages. God said, "I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16).
Referring to divorce and the first marriage in Eden, Jesus said, "From the beginning it has not been so" (Mt. 19:8). Since there
was no one else in Eden, Adam and Eve had to make their marriage work. Divorce is the failure of a relationship that is pledged
before God, until death do you part. God will judge "covenant breakers" (Rom. 1:31) and "adulterers" (Heb. 13:4).
On the bright side, a successful marriage is "a good thing" (Prov. 18:22) and "honorable among all" (Heb. 13:4).
Marriage is as old as man, instituted on the sixth day of creation (Genesis 1:26-31; 2:18-25). Success in marriage is not
just finding the right person; it is also being the right kind of person! A successful marriage is equivalent to earning a
Ph.D. in human relationships.
GUIDELINE QUESTIONS IN DATING
Remember, you will not marry a person without dating them first! A good courtship lays the foundation for a good marriage.
Think of the following guideline questions in dating. A good marriage is not only a matter of the heart, but
it is using the gray matter God gave you to make logical decisions based on rational insight. "The naive believes
everything, but the sensible man considers his steps" (Prov. 14:15). Good, common sense never hurt anyone. It will help
everyone in selecting a lifelong mate. The following guidelines may save you grief later on and ultimately your soul.
It takes time to get to know someone well. Some who feel in love at first sight later wished they had taken a second
look. "Do not arouse or awaken love until it pleases" (Song of Solomon 2:7). True, life-long love cannot be rushed. You may be
in love, not with a person that you hardly know, but with the idea of being in love.
Some think being not married is so bad that they are desperate to get married. However, being married to the wrong
person is worse than not being married at all. "Marital distress has become the number one mental health problem in this country"
(Reader's Digest, Nov. 1986). Your mate can make you or break you. The influence of Solomon's pagan wives turned his heart
away from God (1 Kings 11:3).
1. Are they a Christian? Aim to marry a Christian. Then, both of you will have the same goal of pleasing God and
going to heaven. Marriage is a sacred triangle, a holy covenant between a man and a women pledged before God (Prov. 2:17; Matt. 19:5-6).
"The closer a man and his wife get to Christ, the clearer they see how important it is for them to stay close to
each other" (R. B. Dobbins). It's been observed that marriage is a perfect commitment of love to an imperfect person. "Many
waters cannot quench love" (Song of Solomon 8:7). Learning of God's love can help the Christian to be more loving toward their mate (1 Cor. 13:4-8).
ARE THERE THREE IN YOUR MARRIAGE?
I once thought that marriage took
Just two to make a go;
But now I am convinced
It takes the Lord also.
And not one marriage fails,
Where Christ is asked to enter;
As lovers come together
With Jesus at the center.
But marriage seldom thrives,
And homes are incomplete,
'Til He is welcome there
To help avert defeat.
In homes where God is first
It's obvious to see;
Those unions really work,
For marriage still takes three.
Author Unknown
Marriage for mainly superficial reasons, such as mere physical looks, is like buying a car just for a nice paint
job. A good-looking paint job is great, but if there isn't some reliable quality under the hood, you're not going anywhere. So
it is in marriage. Beauty is really more than skin deep. Love is more than sex. Character counts! "Do not marry the person you
merely think you can live with. Marry the one you cannot live without!" (James Dobson).
2. How do your potential mate's parents treat each other? Remember they have been his or her role model for many
years. "Behavior runs in deep channels that were cut during early childhood, and it is very difficult to alter them" (James
Dobson). Their parents' behavior may indicate how you could be treated later on.
3. Is your prospective mate truly considerate of your personal feelings and needs? The sin of selfishness has
destroyed many marriages. Christ-like love puts the well-being of the other first (Eph. 5:28-29). This shows itself in small,
everyday acts of kindness. If they do not treat you considerately while dating when they are trying to win your
heart, how can you reasonably expect them to do so after getting married?
4. Is your potential mate truthful? Marriage is based on trust. You must be able to depend on the other doing
what they say and being faithful to you. Otherwise, doubt and disappointment will plague your relationship. Are they honest
and open with you? Often dating is time to conceal faults, while each one puts their best foot forward.
5. Can they handle money? A young man or woman, who does not handle their finances well when single, will not
suddenly change overnight. Financial troubles, from impulse buying to living beyond your means, have ruined many marriages.
6. Can they hold a job? A dependable work record is a good test of their ability to be responsible and to get along
with others. Beware of a failure here, which may indicate an underlying undependable character.
7. Can they say, "I'm sorry" and mean it? A successful marriage comes by both partners being committed to
admitting their faults and changing wherever they need to. "A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers" (R. B. Graham). Learn how to make up. Someone wrote:
To keep a marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it.
Whenever you're right, shut up!
8. Are they complimentary? The best marriages happen when the husband "honors" the wife and she "respects" her
husband (1 Peter 3:7; Eph. 5:33). In Song of Solomon, read how both Solomon and his Shulamite bride build the self-esteem of
the other by sincere praise. This keeps you from taking the other for granted.
9. Are they flexible? Marriage is learning how to give and take. While Solomon was dating the Shulamite girl, she
said, "Catch the...little foxes that are ruining the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom" (Song of Solomon 2:15).
Their love was blossoming in courtship. The little foxes of unresolved problems could figuratively gnaw away at the
deepening root of their relationship. She wanted to resolve these gnawing problems before they became big ones.
"Falling in love may be easy; growing in love must be worked at with determination as well as imagination" (Lesley
Barfoot). Undue rigidity in marriage is a recipe for angering the other. Each must learn how to patiently help the other. One
preacher suggested a premarital exercise of hanging wallpaper. It's a tricky task that requires teamwork. Marriage is the art
of helpful compromises. Adjustments must be made along the road of life.
10. How well do you communicate? Good communication is a vital key to a lasting, satisfying marriage. It beautifies
and enriches a relationship. "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver" (Prov. 25:11).
Suppressed anger and the silent treatment solve nothing. Can each of you express your honest feelings and
concerns without either exploding? Can both of you listen to each other, by empathizing with the feelings behind the words?
Constructive communication can resolve festering problems, as well as guiding the relationship to deeper intimacy. We all
yearn for someone that we can bare our soul to, without fear of rejection or ridicule.
Remember, the decision you make in who to give your life to in marriage is one of the most serious and important
ones you will ever make. Make it the right one! If we can be of further assistance, please contact us at WFrankWalton@juno.com.
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