DIVINE MARRIAGE COUNSELING
(Practical Lessons from Song of Solomon)
Many marriages today are in trouble. "Marital
distress has become the number one mental health problem in this
country" (Reader's Digest, November 1986). The divorce rate has
gone from 7.7% in 1900 to 18.3% in 1950 to 47.6% in 1975, to the
recent high of 51% in 1993. A jewelry store in Hollywood had a
sign in the window: "We rent wedding rings." People say, "I do,"
until they think they can do better.
Marriage "has not been tried and found wanting. It
has been tried and found difficult."
God is the architect of marriage. Man's solitude was
the only thing not good in the beginning. God designed marriage
in the morning of time. It is a divine gift for the good and
welfare of mankind (Genesis 2:18-25). It is the most intimate
and intense relationship known to man. Marriage may be made in
heaven, but it must be lived out on earth. We must look to the
divine author of marriage for His wise counsel to enrich our
marriages. "Through wisdom a house is built, and by
understanding it is established; By knowledge the rooms are
filled with all precious and pleasant riches" (Prov. 24:3-4
NKJV).
THE BOOK OF THE SONG OF SOLOMON
Divine marriage counseling is in the Old Testament
wisdom literature. Song of Solomon is a beautiful Hebrew love
poem that celebrates the beauty and blessing of marital love. It
is God's approval of romantic love between husband and wife. The
book traces the unfolding love story between King Solomon and a
country shepherd girl from Shulam of northern Israel.
This book of Hebrew wisdom, the Song of Songs, can be
outlined:
(1) Courtship: Falling in Love -- 1:2-3:5,
(2) Wedding Day: United in Love -- 3:6-11,
(3) Wedding Night: Physical Love -- 4:1-5:1,
(4) Marital Reality: Struggling in Love -- 5:2-6:13,
(5) Marital Delight: Growing in Love -- 7:1-8:7,
(6) Marital Homecoming: Reviewing a Love -- 8:8-14.
The book has vivid Hebrew imagery of that time.The
poetic figures of the book may somewhat baffle us today. (On
their wedding night, Solomon praised her beautiful, long, dark,
flowing hair, as "like a flock of goats that have descended from
Mount Gilead" (4:2) -- that would score points with his country
shepherdess!) Yet, we can glean practical insights to bless our
marriages today.
LIFELONG, INTIMATE UNION
Solomon indulged in polygamy (6:8). But God's ideal
from the beginning is one man joined to one woman for life
(Genesis 2:24). Jesus reaffirms this divine law (Matthew
19:4-12).
Solomon and his Shulammite bride extol the bliss of
joining in a physical and spiritual union: She says, "I am my
beloved's and my beloved is mine" (6:3; 7:10 NASB). Solomon
praises his bride as "my dove, my perfect one, is unique" (6:9).
To him, she is uniquely special.
To make marriage work, there must be that commitment
of "I only have eyes for you." Marriage is the commitment
between a man and woman to live together as husband and wife.
"Marriage is the total commitment of the total person for the
total life" (H. Norman Wright). It not only is a covenant
between two people, but it is a vow before Almighty God. "What
God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Matt. 19:5).
The intimate union of the marriage bond is the shared life of
mutual love, honor, fidelity and forbearance. To "become one
flesh" (Gen. 2:24) includes the idea of a growing process, where
two unique personalities blend together as one. This unity of
life will enrich, support and compliment the other. "One new
life exists in two persons" (Dwight Small).
Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, but it is a
100/100 percent total commitment to make the marriage to work.
It's no longer "me" but "we." Sorrows are halved and joys are
doubled because you share them together. Failed marriages often
result from 2 people who were madly in love with themselves.
HEARTFELT COMMUNICATION
Solomon and his bride repeatedly talk to each other
throughout the book. They tenderly speak to each other as "my
love" (7:6), "my darling" (2:2,10; 4:1), "my beloved" (5:10;
7:11). Solomon, it seems, even has pet names for his wife: "my
dove, my perfect one" (6:9).
All good marriages have one thing in common: good,
heartfelt communication. "The number one problem in marriages
today...[is] lack of communication between husband and wife,"
(H. Norman Wright). Communication lubricates the marriage to run
smoothly. Marriage counselors point to the husband's inability
or unwillingness to express himself as a major frustration to
many wives. One survey found that the average couple spends only
about 27 minutes a week just talking to each other, while
multiple hours are spent with the mass media. "The danger of
TV," says Cornell psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner, "lies not so
much in the behavior it produces as in the behavior it
prevents." An hour in front of the TV is an hour you could use
instead to strengthen your marriage.
Praise enriches the soil of a growing marriage.
Solomon praised the Shulammite shepherdess: "like a lily among
the thorns, so is my darling among the maidens...how beautiful
and delightful you are, my love, with all your charms" (2:2;
7:6). She extols his incomparable worth to her: "How handsome
you are my beloved, and so pleasant!...my beloved is dazzling
and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand" (1:6; 5:10).
Praise works wonders in helping you to see the good
in each other. It will keep you from dwelling on your spouses'
faults or from taking each other for granted. Positive,
upbuilding communication reminds you of the traits that
attracted you to each other. Encouraging words of appreciation
cost nothing, but can be a priceless treasure of your marriage.
"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold In settings of
silver" (Prov. 25:11).
Loving affirmations help fulfill your spouse's
emotional needs. Many people yearn for this. USA Today (January
8, 1990) reported Sylvester Stallone's $30 million dollar plus
take from a movie, but "what he really wants is a 'loving,
stable relationship.' After Brigette Nielson walked away with
$1,000 for each of the 548 days she was Mrs. Stallone, can you
blame the guy?...'I [Stallone] need someone I have spiritual and
verbal collateral with, where I can go to that bank and withdraw
some of her feelings and knowledge. Also, there is nothing more
depressing than after making love to somebody, you try to get
close verbally and get back only monosyllabic replies from an
airhead.'"
A man's main emotional need is respect, admiration,
and support (Eph. 5:33; Gen. 2:18). Wives, be your husband's #1
fan. A woman's main need is secure love and affectionate
understanding (Eph. 5:25; 1 Pet. 3:7). Effective communication
must understand the emotional, mental and physical differences
God built into "male and female" (Gen. 1:27). In communication,
men tend to be more factual, while women tend to be more feeling
and intuitive. The differences are designed to compliment your
relationship, not to drive you crazy.
Husbands, when should you tell your wife you love
her? Before someone else does! Husbands, affirming your love for
your wife makes her feel special. Notice the good things she
does. You must try understand her world of feelings to
communicate with her. Wives, do you constantly nag and second
guess your husband's judgment (cf. Prov. 21:9,19; 27:15)? When
you feel like being critical, just remember his judgment in who
he asked to marry!
Communication must recognize, discuss and resolve
little differences before they become major problems.
"Catch...the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards, while
our vineyards are in blossom" (2:15). The "little foxes" of
little misunderstandings, unresolved irritations , swallowed
anger and wounded feelings can fester and poison your marriage.
They will be recycled in bickering bouts about trivial things.
Solomon and his bride had a major disagreement (5:2-7) and so
will you too. Yet, it's what you do about it that will make or
break your marriage. They made up after their fight (6:1-13).
Create an environment where underlying feelings can be
identified and aired. This is crucial in understanding how the
other mate feels. Learn to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I
wasn't very thoughtful. Will you forgive me?"
PHYSICAL LOVE
Solomon and his bride are attracted to each other's
comely appearance. He calls her "most beautiful among women"
(1:8). She says he is "dazzling and ruddy...he is wholly
desirable" (5:10,16). They extol the physical attraction of each
other (4:1-7; 5:10-16; 7:1-6).
The physical, sexual attraction is not dirty or
unseemly. Solomon confesses, "You have made my heart beat faster
with a single glance of your eyes" (4:9). Sex is God's idea
(Proverbs 5:15-19). Premarital and extramarital sex have always
been wrong before God (Lev.18:20,24; 1 Cor. 6:18). Sex is not a
dirty word, for it is God's idea! It should be lawfully enjoyed
only in the "marriage bed," while all else is condemned by God
as sin (Heb.13:4). The lustful perversions of sinful men twist
and cheapen the beautiful intimacy of physical love between a
husband and wife.
Husbands and wives need to be aware of the physical
needs and differences between men and women (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
Solomon is quickly aroused visually in the bedroom (4:1-15;
7:1-9). He speaks to her and affectionately caresses her. She
emotionally warms up to him and responds (4:16; 7:10). Men are
physically aroused quickly by sight, while women are emotionally
aroused by tenderness and touching. Marriage counselor Gary
Smalley made the analogy that in physical love, men heat up like
microwaves and women warm up slowly like crockpots.
Understanding this will lessen much frustration in your marriage.
You must channel all romantic feelings to one person
-- your spouse (8:1-4). Wives, you cannot do this by watching
soap operas and reading lusty romantic novels. Such may indicate
your husband is not fulfilling your romantic, emotional needs.
Husbands and wives must maintain their personal appearance. Make
yourself appealing as possible to the other. Solomon and his
bride delighted in each other's attractive appearance. Dress up
and look your best for each other. Going around the house
looking mostly like Mr. Vagabond or Mrs. City Dump is no "turn
on." Wives should be good housekeepers; but if you usually go
around the house smelling like Pine-Sol, this isn't the perfume
of romance. We tried to look our best to win them in marriage.
Let's keep a good thing going. Attractive co-workers or media
images can be a lust-inducing temptation to your spouse. We
dress up and try to look good when we go out in public. So, we
can find some time to look good for our spouse.
Song of Solomon even touches on good grooming habits
and hygiene. She said of his sweet-smelling grooming: "his
cheeks are like a bed of balsam, banks of sweet-scented herbs;
his lips are lilies, dripping with liquid myrrh" (5:13). He says
to her, "The fragrance of your breath is like apples" (7:8). No
"morning breath" here!
KEEP THE HONEYMOON SPIRIT ALIVE
Marriage is much better if you if you make a fuss
over each other, instead of fussing at each other. During their
courtship, she said, "He has brought me to his banquet hall, and
his banner over me is love" (2:4). He was on his best behavior
to win her hand. The text calls his wedding day "the day of his
gladness of heart" (3:11). He is excited about her on their
honeymoon: "How beautiful is your love..my bride!" (4:10). This
romantic sparkle continues throughout the book.
Someone has said the honeymoon is the time between
when you say, "I do," and "you'd better." You can creatively
work to keep the pleasant excitement and courtesy of romance
alive. Do nice things for each other that you know will please
the other. Too many couples settle into a predictable, boring
rut.
During courtship, they took romantic, countryside
walks together in the springtime (2:10). Later, they took a
springtime "second honeymoon" in the country to keep the
honeymoon spirit alive. "Come, my beloved, let us go out into
the country. Let us spend the night in the villages. Let us rise
early and go to the vineyards; let us see whether the vine has
budded and its blossoms opened....There I will give you my love"
(7:11-12). Keep the spark in your marriage! Invest quality time
to do things together and go places together. Shared memories of
good times together will sweeten your marriage. Make a regular
date with your spouse, at least once a month.
Courtesy and kindness help to keep the honeymoon
spirit alive. She deemed Solomon "so pleasant" (1:16). He said
she is "altogether lovely" (4:7). We mind our manners toward
each other in word and deed. "That best portion of a good man's
life,/ The little, nameless, unremembered acts/ Of kindness and
love" (William Wordsworth).
BECOME BEST FRIENDS
Solomon and his bride became best friends. "This is
my beloved and this is my friend" (5:16). In sharing a life
together, you should develop a unity of interest and mutual
appreciation. This makes it possible to become best friends.
Marital friendship means we can bare our soul and
share our innermost hopes, dreams, fears, pain and joy. Do you
know your mates greatest fear or disappointment? Their fondest
dream? The trust of mutual friendship means we can do this
without fear of being ignored, misunderstood or ridiculed. "A
friend loves at all times" (Prov. 17:17). Someone has said, "A
friend is one who comes in when the rest of the world goes out."
You can count on a friend. Friends may have problems. Yet,
you're not going to get rid of a true friend.
LOVE FOR A LIFETIME
Here is the climax of Song of Solomon: "Put me like
a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as
strong as death, jealously is as severe as Sheol; its flashes
are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters
cannot quench love, nor will rivers overflow it; if a man were
to give all the riches of his house for love, it would be
utterly despised" (8:6-7).
She wants to be Solomon's most prized possession.
This "seal" in his heart marked her as his most cherished
possession. This love would influence his "heart" (thoughts) and
"arm" (actions). True love means our spouse is always at the
center of our concern. They are in our daily thoughts. Love for
a lifetime is as irreversible and absolute as "death." We are in
this marriage together for life! True love is exclusively
zealous and possessive as "Sheol" (the grave). Once it has you,
it has you. We will make this marriage work! Love's jealousy
properly admits no rivals. It's genuine care seeks only the
highest good of the other. Love's energy shines through like
"fire." It isn't easily quenched by the cold water of life's
challenges. "Many waters cannot quench love" because it has an
invincible power to persevere against a flood of problems. Your
problems can be an opportunity to draw you closer together, to
depend on each other more. Love is priceless. Billionaire
Aristotle Onassis said he would give all his wealth for one
successful marriage. Love cannot be bought or kept together by
material things. People are more important than things. "Better
is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted calf with
hatred" (Prov.15:17). We learn the power of love's enduring
flame from "the Lord." Such will brace us for the storms of
life. Marriage is best practiced by those who love God and one
another. He is the author and support of such love, for He is
all love (1 John 4:8).
Jesus Christ needs to be Lord of your life and
marriage. He will give blessing, meaning and direction to your
relationship. We learn from Him to help each other, by loving
each other when we are not very lovable.
Your marriage will be only as good as you work at it
to be -- no more, no less. By following God's divine marriage
counseling, we will have a taste of heaven on earth.
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